In the past few weeks, I have been faced with some very important choices and changes--part of this has included being almost entirely without Internet for days at a time. A lot has been going on all at once, and it made me feel the need to re-read what author Caroline Myss relates regarding the concept of a "dark night of the soul." I even Tweeted that I felt spirituality and the spiritual/mystical/Satanic path had failed me.
Today is the first day I have more clarity. Looking back, I see that I have experienced more than one "dark night" at various intervals in the past as I have desired greater and greater relationship with truth and have paid the price that true knowledge requires.
What is this price? Hands-on experience and exploration along with realizing that this path is all-consuming and not some "practice" relegated to only certain hours of the day alternating with certain hours of gladly engaging the mundane.
Lately, I have been revisiting places in my life that represent what I had thought was true gay "hedonism." Of course, Palm Springs is one of these places. At the same time, I have been considering a move to Atlanta where the spiritual "pull" is extremely strong. And perhaps "Hotlanta" can somewhat be compared to Palm Springs in terms of being a gay den of iniquity, but (in my mind) Atlanta was the more spiritual of the two.
Hedonism is a huge part of my work, but lately I have realized that the same old venues for accessing that hedonism were no longer working. The hookup websites, the gay bars, the instant message flirt sessions suddenly felt not only fake but profoundly distracting! Distracting from getting work done, yes, but--more importantly--distracting from the truth I am pursuing in the tradition of the Byzantine Church of Belial.
The loss of the "old ways" of relating has created a huge soul crisis or "dark night of the soul" for me. I was finding myself coming up with reasons I should continue using my distractions (I needed the money and the social outlet, etc.), yet even the justifications were not working anymore really. I was empty--I had to shed some old and dead aspects of my life, and I did not want to lose them. Yet until I did, there was no way for the needed change to occur.
Losing the internet while travelling to Palm Springs solved that problem pretty quickly. I am not exactly sure why, but--even though the internet is back now--I have accepted that my focus will now be very different than it has been. This means my life and my work will be different, but I am no longer resisting that. I am looking forward to the new knowledge that awaits my exploration now that I have identified and released some very potent distractions from my life!
In terms of the Byzantine "way," I could not help but ask myself if most of our gay hookup sites are God/the Liar-oriented rather than truth/liberation/Satanic in their basic foundation. This was the major question causing my depression and "dark night" as I realized the answer was not what I wanted it to be! What do you think that answer was? And why would I conclude that? (Hint: http://alnexishellain.bravehost.com/)
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1 comment:
Hey bro, I am so glad that the answers you needed have come to you. One reason I try to get people to focus on much more than a single aspect of Satanism is so that they will have access to the full picture so they are able to navigate through the challenges life throws at them with a bit more ease.
It is very true that people focus too much on hating god instead of empowering themselves and others. I am so happy for you.
HAIL SATAN!
Vlad
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