Ever heard the term “porn guilt?” I first heard it during my first big studio experience with Titan.
Coming from an orthodox Mormon background, this term was especially interesting to me. And any “porn guilt” that I possess definitely came to the surface during my jail experience last summer in Miami. It left me feeling like I was somehow being punished by the "god of my childhood. "
During and after the jail experience, being a BadMormon was no longer fun or liberating but instead felt like it had very real consequences for which I was not prepared. I was once again a seventh-grader, and the straight guys were forming a threatening circle around me. My physical integrity and survival were compromised by my sexuality--something that I could not change.
I know all of this can so easily seem like an absurd comparison. But that's how the unconscious mind works sometimes, eh?
Anyway, shopping at Publix today (for the first time since I moved out of South Florida) in Atlanta made me connect once again with the fear related to that trauma. There is a "sounding" (hearing?) this Wednesday where I will find out at least some preliminary information about the outcome of my DUI case in the traffic courts, and I am pretty much full-on freaked. I will keep the blog updated with the latest once Wednesday comes and goes!
But talking about something helps take its power away, so I am writing here about it. (And I appreciate so much the encouragement of fans to write about more "philosophical topics" as well as the courage of other guys like Damon Demarco who have written about these kinds of personal experiences.) There is so much more to explore and express, and I will keep talking until I know "everything is going to be alright!"
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