I am writing today because I keep hearing over and over (especially from one friend in particular) that I am being perceived as subscribing to a "Mormon/Anti-Mormon" sort of "all or nothing thinking" ... one where a person has to choose between being completely Mormon or completely opposed to it and working to undermine it. I do not agree that I see things in such a simplistic and extreme light.
Here is why: Unlike most of my friends growing up who had the good fortune of being raised in a Jewish environment where there is at least some psychosocial space made for sexuality--even including homosexuality--I was raised in an orthodox Mormon environment where there is zero space made for either of those constructs. Being Mormon meant being NON-sexual or at least NON-gay. Therefore, it is hard to not associate being gay with being NON-Mormon. Many--if not most--gay Mormon men are unable to overcome this dichotomy/duality and are fairly fucked-up because of it.
My master's thesis "Religion and the Spiritual Needs of Gay Mormon Men" explores this situation in significant depth (100+ pages). It was published in the Journal of Gay and Lesbian Social Services in 2000. Hopefully you can, therefore, imagine that I don't particularly appreciate being dismissively labelled as someone who subscribes to and is held captive by a so-called "Mormon/Anti-Mormon" dualism when--in fact--my life's work is aimed at transmutation of the torn relationship between sexuality and spirituality in gay men who were raised in Mormon environments.
While my embrace of Satanism might appear to be simply an abreaction or "reaction formation" to my Mormon background, it is actually quite the opposite. The original Mormon Church, as envisioned and developed by Joseph Smith, was intimately associated with the occult. I spent a few months toward the end of my undergraduate studies in psychology at the University of Utah absorbing the material contained in the original documents of one an extremely prominent member of the Mormonism's beginnings in Utah. This early Mormon pioneer had the same idea as me--to examine the true underpinnings of Mormonism as conceptualized by its two most famous founders, Joseph Smith and Brigham Young.
His stacks upon stacks of research at the special collections of the Marriott Library at the University of Utah documents the practices of the early Mormon Church. What they corrborate is that Fawn Brodie's book "No Man Knows My History" tells the truth: Mormonism was intimately connected with the occult and what some would term "hideous" and "Satanic" practices in its early days.Here is why: Unlike most of my friends growing up who had the good fortune of being raised in a Jewish environment where there is at least some psychosocial space made for sexuality--even including homosexuality--I was raised in an orthodox Mormon environment where there is zero space made for either of those constructs. Being Mormon meant being NON-sexual or at least NON-gay. Therefore, it is hard to not associate being gay with being NON-Mormon. Many--if not most--gay Mormon men are unable to overcome this dichotomy/duality and are fairly fucked-up because of it.
My master's thesis "Religion and the Spiritual Needs of Gay Mormon Men" explores this situation in significant depth (100+ pages). It was published in the Journal of Gay and Lesbian Social Services in 2000. Hopefully you can, therefore, imagine that I don't particularly appreciate being dismissively labelled as someone who subscribes to and is held captive by a so-called "Mormon/Anti-Mormon" dualism when--in fact--my life's work is aimed at transmutation of the torn relationship between sexuality and spirituality in gay men who were raised in Mormon environments.
While my embrace of Satanism might appear to be simply an abreaction or "reaction formation" to my Mormon background, it is actually quite the opposite. The original Mormon Church, as envisioned and developed by Joseph Smith, was intimately associated with the occult. I spent a few months toward the end of my undergraduate studies in psychology at the University of Utah absorbing the material contained in the original documents of one an extremely prominent member of the Mormonism's beginnings in Utah. This early Mormon pioneer had the same idea as me--to examine the true underpinnings of Mormonism as conceptualized by its two most famous founders, Joseph Smith and Brigham Young.
Has it changed today in its modern form? Or merely become more sophisticated in its methods of covering up its roots in these kinds of practices? I am not sure how to find the answer to that one, but Gerald and Sandra Tanner have documented what they feel is an accurate depiction of the current incarnation of Mormonism. Their writings suggest that it has not changed but merely crafted an elaborate cover story and facade for its more esoteric beliefs and ceremonies.
I am sure there will be more to come, but I needed to write my thoughts down while they were fresh. I am growing very weary of having to defend my embrace of Satanism from attacks that suggest this is my way of saying "fuck you" to Mormonism. It is not. It is (in my eyes) merely acknowledging that I have studied as thoroughly as possible my Mormon roots and that--after so doing--I have decided to embrace them.
Perhaps this is the most radical statement one can make. Does this mean I would actually practice their more extreme beliefs? No--I would never do anything illegal of course. But I can embrace the spirit of the early Church itself and NOT have to disavow my sexuality or love of Satanism, demons, and the occult--even while the modern (and fickle) LDS Church gets in a tizzy over gay marriage and other issues du jour.
Hopefully this helps clear up the confusion in people's minds a bit. Now on to the new XTube Account (BGR On-Demand or "BGRONDEMAND") and future releases under the Black Goat label! The content promises to explore more of the relationship between Mormonism and Satanism, so stay tuned.
2 comments:
Brodie, thank you for this addition to your blog. Thanks for sharing another personal part of yourself with your audience about an issue that has such importance.
If people could look beyond the surface of you and your beliefs, they would never make such a mistake in judging your motivations when it comes to your path.
You have my utmost respect brother. Again, thanks for sharing a part of yourself. I don't see any other men in this industry putting so much on the line like you have and continue to do.
I am very proud of you, your accomplishments and for being a great friend.
Vlad
Hey Brodie, this clarifies many things we have talked about in the past year and gives me a much better understanding of where you're coming from and where you're going, which will be far. Neil
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